Since coming to Nome, I have realized I need to schedule my free time. Being sucked in by a movie or just getting lost in my thoughts is too easy and has taken up too much of my time.
This is not a new revelation. Wasting time has always been a talent of mine. I am just fed up with it, I am tired of being bored, and I do not want to sabotage myself anymore.
There has been this echoing quote from Mad Men in my head recently. One of the show’s main characters, Betty Draper, is sitting in her kitchen, smoking a cigarette. Her young son Bobby walks in from playing outside and states “I am bored.” Betty turns to Bobby and curtly states, “only boring people say they are bored.”
This scene hurts. It strikes me at my core, because I do not want to be boring, and I am also tired of being boring. The answer to this problem, at least for right now, seems to be personal goals and expectations. How much I want to read, how far I want to run, and how many games of pool I should play have begun to pile up on my weekly to do list. Taking a more aggressive role in my betterment is an annual battle — and, hopefully, one that I will win, someday. I do not really know what my goal is, or when I will feel bettered, probably never. Winning isn’t really the point. It is more about the continual process.
I was sitting the other day, and suddenly, everything felt clear, both my thoughts and what I was seeing around me. It was a startling moment. The feeling of waking up is just realizing that the fog you were not aware of has lifted. It is both a scary and wonderful feeling. This is not the first time I have felt this feeling of clarity, which is the weirdest thing. I always want to think this sharpness will last the rest of my life, but it is an ebb and flow. Rather than focus on my anxieties, I am going to try to focus on moving forward any way I can, and I will play as many games of pool along the way.
