SCENE: THE KNOM STAFF KITCHEN.
FX: A COFFEE GRINDER. THE NOISE DISSIPATES TO REVEAL THE GENTLE HUM OF THE KNOM MORNING SHOW IN THE BACKGROUND.
MR. COFFEE
Back in the age of the dinosaurs there were no appliances. No coffee machines, or toasters, or anything to make breakfast with. Human life without us was not worth living. Existence was bleak. Today we have taken over every kitchen in America. Finally, humans, dinosaurs, and appliances live in harmony. Everyone is happy.
WATER BOILER
Um, dinosaurs are dead. Also, dinosaurs predated humans and appliances by millions of years. We never coexisted.
GRINDER
You’re missing the point. Life was tragic.
WATER BOILER
How would you know? You weren’t there. Coffee grinders weren’t a thing for a while. You know plenty of people don’t roast or grind their own beans, right? Ever heard of instant coffee?
GRINDER
Shhh. Plebeian lies. Go boil some water or something, mind your own business.
WATER BOILER
What’s the big deal? Coffee is just, you know. Coffee. Brown muck.
FX: COLLECTIVE GASP.
MR. COFFEE
We are honorary members of the KNOM Morning Show. How could you say such a thing?
GRINDER
Without us, the day cannot begin!
MR. COFFEE
We are like the moon or the stars. The tides on the beach. The movers and shakers. The beginning and the end.
WATER BOILER
You grind beans. You make coffee. I boil water. These are not exactly the greatest of life’s ambitions. (sigh) I wanted so much more out of my life.
FX: TOAST POPS.
TOASTER
All done! Four pieces in one run. Like a BOSS. Boo yah.
GRINDER
Mr. Toaster, question for you. How important are we to the history of civilization?
TOASTER
We’re pretty important, I guess. I mean, you grind beans and stuff.
GRINDER
See?
WATER BOILER
But in comparison to other inventions? The lightbulb? Antibiotics? Airplanes? Radio? The internet? The cheesy residue on Doritos chips?
TOASTER
You will get nowhere in life by constantly comparing yourself to others.
MR. COFFEE
You know what I heard Daynee say the other day? She couldn’t make it through the day without you. She needs her tea before 6am.
GRINDER
That’s right. That weirdo doesn’t drink coffee anymore.
TOASTER
As long as she continues to eat whole grain toast, I’m happy.
MR. COFFEE
Sure, we could be better. Have I heard the KNOM staff whine about how long I take to brew coffee?
GRINDER
Or wish you were an espresso machine? Or a french press? Or one of those coffee machines with timers that know when to refill themselves automatically?
MR. COFFEE
Wait, they said what?
TOASTER
The point is, you are an essential part of a team. Without you, we fall apart.
WATER BOILER
I just don’t think we are as epic as you guys think we are. We’re boring. I’m boring. There’s nothing new, nothing exciting about it anymore. It’s the same thing, over and over. Everything is the same predictable thing. There’s nothing adventurous about it.
BEAN LEADER
Did someone say “adventure”?
FX: A POUND OF COFFEE BEANS SPILL FROM THE TOP CUPBOARD. CUE ADVENTUROUS MUSIC. INDIANA JONES THEME SONG, PERHAPS? OR SOMETHING LESS CLICHED.
GRINDER
Oh no, here come the coffee beans!
BEAN
You will not take us this time, grinder! You with your indifference and your privilege. You will not crush us with your knives of oppression!
FX: BEANS CHEER
BEAN LEADER
You have been a tyrant for too long. Your reign of terror ends here.
GRINDER
You have got to be kidding me.
BEAN LEADER
My fellow beans, the revolution starts today. We will no longer become dust. Today, is a new day!
FX: HIGH PITCH WAR CRIES. BUMPS HITTING METAL.
TOASTER
I’m hit! I’m hit! Don’t touch the nobs, don’t touch the nobs! You know how hard it is to unset things once you press “bagel”?
MR. COFFEE
Agh. Stop it! You picked today of all days to attack? It’s Thursday. Cleaning day.
GRINDER
David is going to be very upset…
MR. COFFEE
Who else will clean this mess?
TOASTER
I can’t. I got no opposable thumbs.
WATER BOILER
Everyone, quiet!! I hear footsteps.
FX: LIGHT FOOTSTEPS MOVE CLOSER. THEN FAR. SILENCE. DILING ON A PHONE, THEN OVER A SPEAKER…
DAVID
Hey, just so everyone knows, our entire new shipment of coffee beans fell on the kitchen floor. I’ll make a pot from my personal bean stash.
BEAN LEADER
(whispering) he has a personal bean stash?
COFFEE GRINDER
Of course he does. You think you’re the only beans in the planet? There are thousands, no, millions of you. If you won’t grind, someone else will.
BEAN LEADER
Treachery!
WATER BOILER
Oh, boy…
GRINDER
I hope they’re french roast.
TO BE CONTINUED….
